Some blog entries i wanted to focus on this week are re abortion,planned parenthood,our present culture,the corrupt admin we're tolerating(not sure why)and a few words re my family.
Mostly the broken relationship with my son.I'll begin there.First of all,he is a great person. I'm a proud Navy mom and have reason to be. If you consider his background he's done very well and gone up the ranks in a very short period of time.Sometimes i worry he's overly ambitious and drives himself too hard. Or it could be he loves his job so much. I am not sure which.It could be BOTH. He raised 2 beautiful kids who've turned it well also. He's a great husband from what i've seen. I always figured he'd be a good father and husband in spite of pov's to the contrary.Ok. He was a little bit of a crazy teen(not TOO though)but i always knew he'd be a good husband and father. I still can't for the life of me figure out why he thought he had to be such a little poop at times. I am even more baffled why he is under the impression there were issues between my folks and me. We had a great relationship the last few yrs of their lives.
I was there every single day till the day they passed. I loved working in the garden with dad. We didn't have a lot of money but we'd buy little things for them we thought they would like. In fact one of the reasons we took the apartment we did(not the only one)was the location across the street from my folks. Mom didn't have to come and get me at all when she needed me at the house. It saved time and some trips and in case of an emergency i was right there.
I'm not getting it. He was even a little angry at me when dad passed and then when mom passed he went through the roof. I felt the reason he was civil (to a point)when dad passed was for mom's sake(not mine). Then when she passed it felt like the gloves were off. My husband didn't take it well. I didn't want to make a bigger issue of things than there already were. Sometimes you have to let things go;i wish my husband had seen it that way. He meant well,but he didn't help the situation.
I also know that there were times my parents talked to my son and probably complained about husband and me. I do NOT for a min hold it against them.However, i wish that 1. we could let it go 2. son would understand there were 2 sides to the story and more often than not it was more likely the folks being disgusted with my marriage. We had problems and they were not happy with husband.
I understand that too but we've managed to work through some of those problems. To this day we're working on others. 3. i regret not being a mom's funeral. I will not get into all the complications but it's very disturbing to me that anyone thinks for a minute i didn't care about mom.I also happen to know that she died knowing better. We were on good terms. We loved each other deeply. She understood that i cared for her-except for the time she was in the hospital and expressed some frustration and anger. It was directed at me but i also think part of it was directed at her situation.She suffered greatly. I really don't have the time of day for how the hospital treated mom and i blame her death to some extent on the hospital. I wish now we had talked about Cancer Center Treatments of America.I was sure she would pull through and that was a huge mistake. I didn't give the treatment centers any thought until after she passed.
If i could go back and attend her funeral i would IN SPITE OF everything that was going on. Everyone was angry. I picked up a lot of hard feelings and attitude before the funeral even took place. They were not on the receiving end. I don't think to this day anyone knows how hurtful it all was or cares.I'm sure they were hurt too. It was as much my fault as theirs.I can't say otherwise or i wouldn't be honest about it. i blame most of it on misunderstandings. It was NOT a good time to bring them up,but i think all of us were in shock. It all happened so fastand there were too many things for the family to do in short order after.
I don't doubt that my missing the funeral only gave them more reason to be angry;but they were already angry for some reason and my going would not have changed a thing. In fact i often wonder if i had gone if they would not have found some other reason to be angry.Something i would do 'wrong' that they could use. I really do feel that way. My husband refused to go and that left me hanging. I had no way to get there. No one offered transportation. Husband was TOO angry to go at all and i needed a hand. i wasn't angry but had no way to calm anyone else down. I'm not angry today either. I'm just saying what i saw happen and trying to sort it out.
I do think we would all be better off to let it go but my son is not going to do that. I helped him get one more brick to add to a ton he already collected.Funerals bring out very raw emotions. A death of someone close does things to people. Whatever was wrong before this was amplified a thousand times. I get it and i think that's true of everyone involved. I do think though we have to get to the point in our lives where what counts is the PRESENT. I let go and let God a long time ago and i go through each day trying to do the same. You cannot imagine all the weaknesses i have; letting go is a daily struggle.I take little steps.
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